Warning Extremely funny fat jokes.

[Lilli]

I been on a diet for 40 years so I think its allright for me to post these.
I had to laff I hope you enjoy them.

Humourous quotes

Why is it that fat people are more jolly and laugh more ?

Is it that we possess an ability to enjoy ourselves as we are, free from the hang-ups that thin people have about eating what they actually enjoy, instead of what will keep them thin ?

Below is a collection of fat related quotes and one-liners, for fat & thin alike to laugh at .

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in it's infinite mercy,
sends them a fat missionary. - Oscar Wilde

I'm already two years ahead on my daily fat allowance. I'm looking for skinny people
to see if I can borrow theirs. - Jo Brand

I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There's no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
John Mortimer

It was like going to bed with a bicycle
Anthony Burgess on sleeping with Yves St Laurent's models

Inside every fat person there's a thin person looking to get out -- They've just eaten them - Jo Brand

I am in shape. Round is a shape

I am a nutritional overachiever

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments .


My ancestors didn't spend the last 2 million years clawing their way
to the top of the food chain, for me to become a vegetarian.
Who am I to dishonour the ultimate sacrifice made by this noble beast
in order that we can prepare such a wonderful meal, by refusing to eat it?

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever .

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world. --Robert Orben

Never eat more than you can lift. --Miss Piggy

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight
it out inside. --Mark Twain

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to
know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.


Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Anonymous child on TV.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. --Mark Twain

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
--Charles De Gaulle

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full,
I say, are you going to drink that? --Lisa Claymen

Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar,
and then thrown out. -- Samuel Johnson

Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world's perfect food.
--Michael Levine, nutrition researcher

There are four basic food groups, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."
Denis Leary.

Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate. --Patrick Skene Catling

Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits.
--Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist

If a lump of soot falls into the soup and you cannot conveniently get it out, stir it well in and it will give the soup a French taste. - Jonathan Swift

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin


Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good. --Lora Brody

Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.. --John Q. Tullius

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat .- Alex Levine

Chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy. Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally. So, eat lots of chocolate!
--Elaine Sherman, Book of Divine Indulgences

"I like children - fried." - WC Fields.

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds." - Joan Rivers

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man. --Miranda Ingram

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment. --Unknown

The superiority of chocolate, both for health and nourishment, will soon give it the same preference over tea and coffee in America which it has in Spain.
--Thomas Jefferson

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces --Judith Viorst

For the chicken the egg demands involvement, but for the pig bacon demands total commitment. - John Price

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
AW Brown

I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had my breakfast in bed. - Oscar Wilde

If one swallows a cup of chocolate only three hours after a copious lunch, everything will be perfectly digested and there will still be room for dinner. - Brillat-Savarin

Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso. (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.)
--Spanish proverb

Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate.
--John Milton, The Devils Advocate

If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate! I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage?
--Marquise de Sevigne, February 11, 1677

What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate.
--Katharine Hepburn

He's so fat that : -
The back of his neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.

When he "hauls ass" he has to make two trips.

They had to grease a door frame and hold a crunchie on the other side to get him through .

Instead of Levi's 501s he wears Levi's 1002s.

When he was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave him 15 years to live

He puts salad cream on aspirin

His belt size is "Equator"

His cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

When God said "Let there be light" he meant him to shift his belly out of the way.

When he goes to the zoo the elephants throw HIM peanuts.

His university graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

His driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

He can't even jump to a conclusion.

His wife has to iron his trousers on the driveway.

The shadow of his belly weighs 100 pounds.

When his pager goes off people think it's because he's backing up.

When he goes into a restaurant, he looks at the menu and says "okay!"

When he bungee jumps, he brings down the bridge too

She's so fat : -

When she wears a black raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"

She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

When she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

When she steps on a talking weigh-scale, it says "one at a time, please"

When she lay on the beach sunbathing, Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

When she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..."

When she sits on a Pound coin, blood rushes out off the Queen's nose!

She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!

When she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials!

BT gave her two area codes!

People jog around her for exercise!

When she fell and cut herself, gravy poured out

When she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol
_________________

I pass to you the torch that Christ once passed to me.
Others are still in the dark and need
the light to see.
"I AM"
"Gathering the fragments so that
none are lost"
His Shepherdess
http://missouri.thcministry.org/