Sometimes I wish I were deaf & blind...

[Pateticus]

There's just so much hate, anger and ugliness in the world. Sometimes I just wish I had no awareness of it.

Faith-based recovery, they call it. When you use your faith to heal wounds of the soul. Depression, suicide, addiction.

I knew that all those organized religion recovery programs just weren't for me. For one thing, I was content with my depression--my whole life I've been most content with melancholy. Problems only arise with melancholy when it turns into dissatisfaction and when dissatisfaction turns into helplessness.

Addiction, again, was another reason I knew that organized faiths would not be the place for me. I knew in my heart that addictions were merely medicines misperceived. People can be addicted to doctors and prescription medications the same way they become addicted to alcohol, junkfood, marijuana & cocaine. And when people join Alcoholics Anonymous they always end up addicted to coffee and cigarettes. What's the difference, really? Whether it's given to you by a doctor or a pusher, either way you're carrying a substance around with you that you can't survive without.

And Suicide...well, faith helps with that too. I believe that there's a purpose for everyone in this world. And that if you kill yourself, there's really no way you can fulfill that purpose. I believe that god(s) speak to us and through us through our interactions with the rest of the world. Being a ghost or a spirit means being able to look upon this world without being seen, but being dead means that all we can do is watch and never really interact. And that's what it means to be alive--to be aware of what needs to be changed and able to take actions towards those changes.

When you take notice of the things that need to be changed--especially if you're the only one that seems to be noticing them--that is what I would call evidence of divine purpose. For, if you are the only one noticing a problem who else is going to change it but you?

In-between lifetimes we are intimate with the infinite, and therefore really unable to grasp what it's like to have to understand something or be puzzled by something. There are no questions, only answers. This makes for lazy spirits. Our life on this planet is supposed to challenge us, to give our soul a taste of distance. So that we cherish the time we spend in the infinite's good company.

That's why I felt that sacraments are important. Sacrament is basically using addiction to bring people together--the emphasis is on sharing and human contact. People enjoy wine, weed, tobacco, bread, coffee and as a result more people are able to help eachother through difficult times. Whereas the convenient store ethic of selling these substances for a profit only seem to make people more lonely through their vices.

It could be said that I became a minister so that I could spread the belief that addictions should be more socially acceptable. Just as some people are functional on their lithium or their prozac, there are those that are functionally drunk or stoned.

So long as people are free to choose their addictions and so long as they're okay with the price of that addiction, I really don't see a problem with anything anybody chooses to be on. This is why I stress the importance of self-governance. For, in the end, problems with addiction come down to you using the drug or the drug using you. Being self-governing means knowing when you're being used.

I'd rather be addicted to weed than to prozac any day.

I've probably spent years in 'faith-based recovery' by doing the research necessary to bring this age-old practice out of mothballs. It is by no means a new faith, simply an old practice that has been simplified due to years of evolution. Pagans and Catholics alike used to gather regularly to share their favorite substances.

The fact that they had to do this through their minister/shaman (the only one with the real skill to be able to grow/brew these substances) is what held the congregation/tribe together--socially, spiritually, psychologically. Over time, religion was set aside for more important things--jobs, technology, money, bills, the seperation of church & state, the 'impoliteness' of being able to discuss religion & politics at work. Faith and tradition became things we took part in on our spare time, as if it were some kind of a hobby. Taking sacraments 5 times daily became once a week on sundays out of nothing more than convenience.

Instead of faith, tradition and sacraments holding our communities together money, jobs and legality seem to do it now. In the name of divine purpose, I decided that I was made aware of this replacement and that it needed to be changed. That is what drove me to become ordained, what cured me of my addiction, depression & suicidal tendencies and why I went into ministry instead of politics.

Politics only draws lines and divides people and pits them against eachother. I want to bring families together, I want to help people and heal people. I want to be what brings people together so that people can help and heal eachother. That's what ministry means, that's the power of ministry, that is why tradition (and at least one person in every community to maintain those traditions) is so important to the preservation of humanity.

Dionysus, Hermes, St. Christopher & St. Francis all established the tradition of giving things away (wine, weed, art, music, knowledge, kindness) as an act of rebellion. Tim Leary, Quentin Crisp, Patch Adams, Jerry Garcia--even a little bit of U2 and John Mellancamp with their spontaneous concerts--all continue this tradition.

And I thought...what a wonderful way to rebel, and what a wonderful tradition to be a part of. Unselfishness, unconditional caring, sharing and giving. Beauty, kindness and love. The world needs more of these things. And it's so easy to be nice, it doesn't take any effort at all.

I'd been a caregiver all my life, until George W. Bush told me I needed to have the right paperwork to be able to do it. I wasn't about to go back to college to learn how to do something I'd been doing all my life. So taking this ordination from a church that nobody takes seriously, taking this vow to share sacraments and to be kind no matter what the cost might be to me. This is my act of rebellion.

I wish there was a way for me to do this all the time. I wish I didn't have to get paid to do it. I wish I didn't have bills to pay so that I could help people all the time. There's just so much out there hurting so many people and now people are hurting eachother. I get emails from people almost daily just looking for a kind word, who compliment me on what I'm doing but are too far away or too busy or have too much to lose to want to be involved. I've had people tell me that I'm the first kind person they've spoken to in weeks.

What kind of a world is this where you have to email a total stranger just to find someone willing to be nice?

People are attacking eachother because they can't touch the politicians that are picking them apart. We're like animals in a cage being poked by a cattleprod, attacking eachother for the sake of having something to attack. I can't believe that nobody sees that all of our problems are coming from the top of that pyramid that we ourselves have built.

Democracy will always mean that all of our problems will come from political alliances forged by the people that we put into control and I don't understand why people continue to support it.

One thing they don't tell you in suicide recovery is that even when you get over the urge to kill yourself you still keep it in the back of your mind as a viable option. Job got you down? Can't pay bills? Don't want to get out of bed? Youc an always kill yourself, it's a nice, quick, easy solution.

Convinced that I still had a purpose in this world, I just started wishing I was deaf & blind instead--at least then I can still interact. There's just too much ugliness in the world. I wish I didn't have to see it or hear about it. I used to wish I was mute, too, just so that I would have reason to throw things when I'm pissed off. The freedom of incoherance, just so that people can say "He has no other way to express himself..."

They say that your scars remind you that the past is real. So I used to wish for scars too. I guess that's why people get into piercing and tattooing and other forms of modification--attempts to make scars, and the past, a little more beautiful. Just like how sacraments make addiction a little more palatable.

When I go to art galleries and museums and drum circles, when I'm allowed to surround myself with beautiful things, not only do I remind myself that the past is real, but that the past can be beautiful.

Creativity is god(s) fingerprint left upon us. That little part of us that says "I can create, so can you." This makes the creative arts a part of the infinite passed on to us and into this world. Art, Music, Literature and Theatre are threads of unconditional beauty woven through the fabric of time by those that are truly blessed.

Beautiful things, like sacraments, bring people together to enjoy the finer aspects of life on this planet. This is why the world needs Ministries of Creative Arts. So that we can encourage people to share beauty more often and give them less reasons to wish they were deaf and blind.

Because there's just so much out there to see.

Pateticus
_________________
Here's to burning one down with god.
Don't forget to look behind you every once in awhile
and always exhale with a grin.


http://members.cox.net/pateticus/

[dwyomenace]

Some very deep thoughts, my brother...

I sure wish I could use cannabis for my depression rather than the Wellbutrin I am currently prescribed. However, I know that being away from my family for 6 months while in jail would be much more depressing than abstaining from my sacrament until my probation is complete in May.

I know addiction well. Alcohol was my god for over a decade. Meth ruled my world for almost a year. And I know what you are talking about with the coffee and cigarettes at AA meetings.

Besides the Wellbutrin, my current addiction is Jesus Christ. It has really opened my eyes realizing that cannabis was an integral ingredient in the holy anointing oil. It definitely reveals new meaning to a lot of biblical scripture. It is just a shame that organized religious leaders (at least in my community) are unwilling to even entertain the idea that Jesus would use a "drug" that the American government vilifies.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your contribution. It has really provoked a lot of thought for me.

Peace and God Bless!!!

Dennis
_________________
The Truth shall set you free.