Jesus of Nazareth apologized.

[sara]

JERUSALEM, Israel - Jesus of Nazareth today formally apologized for hoaxing his own death two thousand years ago. At a conference held for the benefit of victims of religious deaths and wars, he denied rumors that the hoax was staged for insurance purposes.

Jesus raises eyebrows at joke-gone-awry
"They were crazy times, there was a lot of political upheaval - I guess I was shocked that no one saw the funny side of the it. I was just trying to lighten things up. I wasn't trying to prove anything. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm a "have faith" kind of guy not a "here's proof" guy.

"Christ, what a misunderstanding," he concluded, telling reporters that he didn't consider it to be really blasphemous if he used his name as an expletive.

Jesus, a devout Jewish rabbi who entertained friends by turning water into wine at parties, added that he had been trying to make a metaphysical point at the time. "I'm used to being misquoted, but I feel sorely let down by how weird and serious everyone got."

The rabbi, who appeared three days after being publically crucified and at one point walked around, apparently healthy, before as many as five hundred people, has refused to comment on how the trick was performed. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways," the tight-lipped rabbi told stunned audiences in Jerusalem. "I wish particularly to express my gratitude to my family, who have endured a lot of speculation and misconceptions at their expense ever since."

Commenting on the region's history of religious violence, he placed the blame on break-away religious groups who mostly "ignored everything I ever said about money". Jesus claims that many chose to cash-in on his teachings and only paid the merest lip-service to the general gist of his sermons.

"There is a lot of money to be made in the religion business. Never had the interest in that side of things - seemed too ephemeral and un-spiritual to me. Whenever I got my hands on any money I always seemed to find myself giving it away. I've always prefered to go fishing with friends instead of doing business, although I still enjoy a little bit of carpentry on the side."

So far, reactions to Jesus' apology have been mixed. Many at the conference are still shocked that Jesus has attended, although one Arch-Bishop commented, "if he could rise from the dead once, I guess there is no reason why he couldn't return for an encore." Many, it is believed, have requested a repeat of the trick with the loaves and fishes.

The rabbi, who plans to stay in Jerusalem through-out the weekend in order to host a three day workshop on inter-faith tolerance, told press that he hoped that the healing could finally begin.

"I know some like to think of me as being without a sense of humor. But whenever anyone gets bent out of shape about my fake death hoax, my response is always the same: forgive me. God knows I forgive them."
» email this pag